All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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