1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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