things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
ttyl tear gas
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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