He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
