Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
