I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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