I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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