"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
