I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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