i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Boobs are out for the taking
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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