So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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