i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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