how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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