I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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