The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
