anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
