Define "chronic" masturbator.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
