remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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