I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
