this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Enjoy the penises
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
