I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
This is classic penis vs brain.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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