the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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