I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
