I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just had sex on a roof
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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