I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
