The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
