You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
