you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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