I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
