genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
he's single and there are thong briefs.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
