woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
