you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
