she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
