Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
then he tried to convert me to islam
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
