im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
