Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
