I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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