I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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