worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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