That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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