And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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