Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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