she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
