Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
