I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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