Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
