my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
