I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
