i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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