insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
